WELCOME SPRING!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Invisible Mom

Hi everyone. It seems like a century since I last blogged or visited any of you, even though its only been a few days or so. What I thought was going to be a two to three week endeavor to declutter and get my house in order has made itself clear to me that we are looking at a much longer process. Because hubby needed to find things more readily, I decided to begin in the kitchen and laundry room, where I have cabinets and a pantry. Today, all of the food ended up on the counters and table, while I tried to strip old contact paper - don't even think about it - from the shelves. We are also making new shelves for the pantry, because hubby had installed louvered doors, but that cost some space...you know we need every inch of space, right? Isn't it interesting how cleaning makes everything look like a cyclone had just blown through your home?

I have another cold, so I'm in slow motion to do much of anything, so as I took one of my many breaks to rest, I found this email that I had to immediately post for all of you to read. I hope you enjoy it.




INVISIBLE MOTHER

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store..

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is
gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England.

Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling
pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'To My Dear Friend, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam; He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it..' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're going to love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right; And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, MOM!


Take care, everyone...God bless you all...please join me in praying for Haiti...God must have His hand on this country, as it continues to remain, though much travesty has tried to destroy it. I believe there must be praying people living there, as God has revealed His grace many times in the face of such horror.

And remember our troops and their families...please cover them in prayer as well.

Mary

Monday, January 11, 2010

We're still alive!

Hello, my dear blogging friends...Thank you, thank you, thank you, so very much for all your wonderful comments and emails of well wishes...hearing from you is just what the doctor ordered! There is such great comfort in knowing that people care about you. I only feel bad because I haven't been around to visit all of you and do the same...we all need to know that we are missed and that someone enjoys hearing from us...I really, really enjoy hearing from you!

I'm just taking a few minutes to let you know that we are doing much better, and my husband is just finishing his second round of antibiotics for pneumonia, and seems to be beating it this time. My daughter has escaped any illness...Praise God! Needless to say, I am exhausted, drained, pooped, and tired. The christmas tree is down, but everything is still up, and I have no energy to tackle it. Neighbors and friends have been wonderful about bringing food, and making sure we aren't starving...not that missing a few meals would hurt us!

I feel a very strong calling to get my house in order...since last September, when I had to go to emergency and then to urgent care two times, I've realized that I must get my head out of the sand and deal with important issues...one of which is to get a living trust and will prepared so my daughter will be provided for. I think 've lived in denial for years, but the thought occured to me, "What if I don't come home from the hospital...what will happen to my daughter?" I also need to take a serious look at all my "stuff", as my husband is having a difficult time finding things, or he's running into things, or he's breaking things. The cabinets need to be reorganized and everything has to be put in a certain place so he can find it...same thing with the refrigerator. Its easy for me to forget that he can't see like I do, and I just put things wherever there's a spot, but that doesn't work for him...I will find him standing in front of the fridge or the cupboard, searching for whatever, and I realize that it has to change...and I have to change it. I have to consider packing things up and storing them, or getting rid of them altogether. That will be difficult for me...I love my "stuff"...having pretty things around me, dishes and teacups, all those breakable things!...but they are in his way, so it will take some real creative planning to display them without having them out and in the path of destruction! Perhaps it is time to let go and feel the freedom...I'm ready for the "less is more" lifestyle...gaining freedom from the cares of the world is something that has been on my mind for a very long time!

There is a place in my heart that is not right about all this...perhaps I am on the pity-pot and a little resentful that my life isn't like that of my friends. I don't have the freedoms that most women my age have, and there are times the load seems too difficult for me to carry. BUT...I KNOW that isn't true...I am able bodied, I have sooooooo much to be grateful for...I want for nothing, and God has been so good to me, how can I complain? Yet I find that I do, and it has to stop. I have to stand back and take a hard look at my attitude and also my habits...lack of good organization can take me to the heights of irritation and depression...my daughter has a paper fettish, so I'm constantly removing papers from her grasp, and sometimes forget where I've stashed them...spending hours looking for a paper is frustrating.

Its time for some true new year's resolutions. I have to be careful not to get sidetracked and let the Tyranny of the Urgent control me. Have any of you read that marvelous little book? It is quite tiny, but is packed with important truths that can change lives. There is also a workbook, but I don't have it...perhaps its time.

Anyway, this year I will be 65, and I've decided that there is a fork in my road...I will either get healthier, both in mind and body, or I will slide into neglect and deterioration...its my choice. This takes much thought and even more prayer, because I don't have the knowledge or wisdom to get me through, but the Lord does, and my dependence is on Him. One thing I know...I must listen to the still, quiet voice of God, and immediately carry out His directions. With my family circumstances as they are, my future is truly in His hands, and that scares me, because I don't know what His plans are. I can't control any of it...I can't heal my daughter's brain or my husband's eyes, and I can't guarantee that I will outlive them...if I could outlive them, I could make sure they were taken care of...I could control it...but I can't, so my faith must be strong.

And so my blogging may be on hold for another week, or perhaps two, or maybe even three, but I do want to come back with a sense of peace and clarity, and with happy things to talk about. I will visit and post as often as I can, as I do miss all of you so very much. I want to tell you what is happening in my heart as well as sharing tea things and decorating with you. I so enjoy all of the beautiful stories and photos that you all share with me, and they lift my spirits so very much...I want to do the same for you...i want to re-do my blog background, create better photos, etc....for now, though, I'm just not there.

God bless you all...my prayers are with each and every one of you.

Mary